i still can't stop thinking about what happend,i keep thinking about all the petty things we fight over and all the things we do to ourselves.I keep thinking about my friends and how some dislike each other for things that are just not worth the time.there is so much to learn from each other and so much love to give and get,so meney things run throught my minde latly.how i want to help the ones i love but don't want to be in the middle of there fights in there world.It was just me that died not them so they don't see the things i do.things seem a little difrent now,i think i understand more,or maby its all in my head.I don't know.part of me wants to cry but i don't know why,my mom says its beacuse i saw heven and i miss it.the most vivid theing i rember is the voices the feeling that there were so meney people there,so much more then when i woke up.I rember the wispers in my ear its ok i know you are not afraid not your time.i can rember thinking then why am i hear just a thought.i think there is a dark place of endless room where we go when its not our time but something is stoping our body from working and mabt the voices were famly past but i like to think they ar meney things spirts that have past and the ones who watch over us the ones that are with us everyday and maby other entaties,i don't know i just know i could hear them and i was at peace,some part of me is very frightend by the fact that im not afraid to die.I always thought that when it came right down to it i would be scared out of my mind but i wasn't.just peace just the voices.i can't explaine this and i know i am having trouble understanding this,but i do exsept it.i just don'y understan why it is waighing so much on my mind,why i can't stop thinking about it,wht am i missing what is it that i need to know.its late,all i do is think about it and my dreans are getting weard agan,maby it has something to do wit it and maby not i don't know i just don't knowwish i did.well good night dan will be home soon and i can show him how the color looks in the main bath room this will be fun :P

to day is my dirthday,and i was thinking i have such wonderfull friends.there are thouse who i see alot and there are thouse that i see less of but they are all just what i love.when i meet some one i truly love them and i am happy to,even if they don't.this comunity is the best thing that has happend to me,i still wish we could have a once a week get together at some ones home where we could talk and get to know the hole of the comunity that we all love.thanksgiving is coming my mom is going to vergina to see my brouther i can't go but im trying to make a dinner hear i hope i wanted to have some of the people in the comunity to come who have no place to go,i love to cook and back exspechaly when its for other people.well im going to lie down noe the back meds kiked in,i just wanted to get out how much i love you all! you may not bralave me but i do even the people i have rarly meet they are all in my heart and thoughts i think of all aoften.all who i have meet in my life still rain in my heart,i never forget the love.

yIntoHeaven.com - Online Karma Test Click Here!
lucille, Your Karmic Alignment is: Enlightenment!





Score: 27 You have a lot of positive karma, and have good intentions in life. People would normally characterize you with being a kind, sensitive giving person. Remember that by creating positive karma seeds, they will soon blossom. If you work hard enough it is capable to gain enlightenment, and maintain inner peace.

it was so much fun,to go to the PA REN Fair with my daughter.the last time she went there was when she was 7 or 8 she was so happy.there was a pirat ther that looked and acked just like jack it was great.we got a chance to talk alot.NOw im sad i want to go back,she wants to back in october but it will be when rit is so i will miss that.everytime i go i wish i had gone throught with the try outs so meney years ago i would love to be a part of all of that.PA is the best for me its so big and there is so much there but it still feals like home.now her dad is being a jerk and she told mr what i have ben thinking all along,that her dad and his girl firend with her son make her feel like she is the forth wheel,they make plans but not woth her all of the deshions are theres and she is has no say.He wants her to get a job and pay for her own medcal things and other things she needs and wants but he dos not care about her greads he told her to stop talking such hard classes,she is taking collige clases but he thinks a job is more importent.i feel helpless and like i have let her down some how,i don't know what to do to help or even how.well at least we have this weekend.I bought the dragon she wanted the stor still had my downpayment from 2 years ago,realy nice people.well im going now they put me on more meds for my back and now its heard to stay awake

you know i have ben thinking ( witch is not good for lucy to do) its all i can do out hear.but i asked alot of my friends if i was selfish or self absorbed,if i never think of eneyone but me.Everyone i talked to said that all i think of is others and all i do is for some one else at times hurting my self in the long run.present situashion is profe.but i feelt realy bad about things that were said to me by some one who is my friend,so i thought i would ask other people who know me.no one said that i was eney of the things that were said.now that made me think some more,why some one would lash out at me trying to hurt me think some more.well this person takes things people say to heart maby thats it and this person will never see the things they do that hurt or what people do for them to help,its never there fault.So i figure that time will tell and maby this person will be able to see what they did,and will undarstand my pain.my dauther has a thing on her my space that says "I tell the truth even if it huts some times,i don't hide who i am." that is so me we are one in the same its funny,but that is another story.this weekend i will be at the Pa.ren.fair with my kid from friday till monday ya im so happy i can't wate.ok enough thinking for now have to go :)
lots of love

so sorry for the people who hate to hear me bitch.
everyone backed out on me no roommates no people to help, my back is all fucked up and we mite have to give up the house we just got.we were counting on other people.i hate that people say things and back out.when things have not changed,things were know for a long time.now im out hear in the middle of no were and no way to bring in money no one to talk to becaus no one eather knows my number or just don't care.i thought some people were not so absorbed in there lives that when they say something they go through with it but i gess not.i tryeed to help but i got screwed in the end.when i couldent look at other houses becaus this person wanted this one and now they don't even want to move in,because of things that were there all along that just sucks.i do what i say i will do just to help a friend,i always help my friends.well im out

well frist i found a house,and its going well.now NYSEG wants money by the 26 or they are shuting us off,i have not gotten a bill in 4 mounths and they said that we know we get bill it is our resposability to pay it .what the hell if i don't know how much then how do i pay it.im loosing my mind.we have had no money untill dan gets his 401k loan then we have to pay all the cra; that comes with getting a house on our own.i just don't know what to do,i want to aask friends for help a little but i know they have there own problems.what else can i do i hate asking for help hate it it makes me sick.i have such a head ack had it for two days.i just want to cry,im lost some one pleasse help me.i feel like the world won't give me a chance.i try so hard to do right but it just keeps kiking me over and over agan.

the house has 6 bed rooms and is on 1.18 ac of land with a stream and lots of parking.but the rugs have to come out they had a boy cat.the kitchen is huge.the stress is geting wors now i can't go with out power and how do i live my food will go bad,i just don't know what to do.i need help some one help me please.i want to go to rit but maby i should not go im stressed and i have no money to give,but i feel so good when im with the people i love.just don't know what to do.some one please help please.

is the presher high tonight i have such a migrain i need to go to the hospital but have no way so i will sit hear.

so i talked to the morgage man today and he dusn't know if he can help me now.so i called another place and did what i could ,they took my info and said they would get back to me.i need something to go right i have a little hope,i know ther is a plan some where for me that is good. hopfuly i will have a home and no more crazyness in my lfe.all i want is to have a calm stress free life well maby just a little less stress so i can get things dun.i'm trying to look forward to a new home a new start.my own no one telling what to do,planting what i want and makeing it my peacefull place to go to.i need a yard and trees lots of things to grow.i love plants,plants are good :)

herbs are my fav,i love to have plants that can heal and help others and my self.i love the power of wild life and mother earth.i just need to find a way to stop pain and make it work realy good.like the drugs they give you at doctors then i will be happy.i think im thinking a little better but i'm still having bad thoughts about all this and how much i love this yard but i'm getting better. i'm hopeing some one who knows about this morgage stuff will help me understand it better but its getting better.

so friday the lady who owns the house came over with her son.well they decided that her son is going to by the house and we have to move.how long i don't know.after all i have dun for her after all the hell i went throught for herwhen she left her son talked to me and had the nerve to tell me that when he gets bord of the project then maby i can move back in.what the hell was that crap.who the hell thinks like that.make someone move then call them up and say hay you want to move back in im bord of this place and don't want the stress. im so lost today it is soooooo getting to me,all day we drove around endicott looking, maine looking im tired and sooo stresed of this,started smoking agan and im trying verry hard not to cut my self,i feel like i failed everyone now what.

crying,screaming,it is not helping me,i just don't know what to do.things were going so good and the carpet was pulled out from under me.making things worse we have no food and no money at this time,i want to go away.im good at helping others but not at helping myself i just don't know what to do,where to start who to talk to .why ,i just want to have a place that no one can take from me that if they did it was my fault,i don't want to be angry its not good for me.part of m soooo wants to make it hell for them but i can't br like that no matter how bad someone hurt me.why can't i be more of a bitch.whart do i do now,i have to by a house and i need a yard not just for the dogs but for me a garden is how i feel good growing things trees,plants it is what i need.i can't rent with the dogs i get charged at least 100$ for each dog a mounth what do i do.Dan said we could live in a tent on glens land funny but that makes me mad.im thinking on living out of my car having no place agan in my life i thought this was dun and i could be happy.have a good life this is so fucked,some one help me please im loosing my grip on things.

so this is what i would like to say.I try not to go on this alot becaus i see it as a real journal just one everyone can read.I try not to say to much on how my back hurts or other things that are wrong becaus i don't want to burden my friends with that,but some times i just want to get it out and hope some one can help.I just had to say that.

so now on to days thoughts.yestarday my kid hurt her back at softball,so i tryed to give her dad some idias on hoe to help.well he looks at me like oh no not her agan,then says thank you to be polite.I feel soout of place,i have missed so much in her life and he just won't let me in.I did not loose my kid becaus i was a bad parent.I lost her becaus i mad some bad choices and he did not like them and he had more money then me so i lost the fight.now i feel like im just her friend not her mother.there are things that need to be dun but if isay it im wrong.I lost so much with her,i feel so sad like im nuthing.she was my life untill he took her from me she was 9 now im just a visiter and it pisses me off.I just want to cry im lost with out her.

now to make things worse my back hurts i have gotten no sleep,still can't sleep.im in pain from other thingsand i got my mounthly agan this mounth.not good so not good.i want to be a mother agan but i feel like im loosing my chance and there is not a dam thing i can do about it.some times i feel like what ever godess or god there is out ther its out to get me.I try todo good and help others,but i loose sight of my self and some times i think that is bad.I don't know how to love lucy,right now i realy hate lucy.right now i just wish she would die and start a new.im going now and try to sleep maby i will feel better tomarow.


lucy

ok i went to the Gino today.this man sucks fist he said that i have P.I.D wich i new then after the exsame he said maby to make it all better i should talk all my femal parts out.what the hell,i don't think a man can do femal thigs.he has no idia what im going through or what that idia did to me.Help me i need a new one to go see.I need a 2nd opion.Why do i feel that when one thing gos ok then another gos bad why why.im just in a verry bad place right now.im going

lucy

ok im better now.got to talk to the man with the money for the house,we will see how it gos.Im so tired of going throught this up and down shit,I just want it dun and over with.I have to much to worrie about and stess over.the smoking thing is is going ok still slip up once in a while but going ok.Just think with all that is going on it is hard.but then agan i some how think i deside to quit just as things get more stessfull,maby it just seems that way i don't know.

i can't wate to get this house,i want to have a rit to get rid of the old and let in the new when i clean out the crap in this house that was left behind by the mean one,i hope to have friends to help and alot of good energy :) then i hope all this will get better and my home will be mine .for the frist time in my life i will have a home of my own.

on a nother knote.Gary will be getting his diploma from BCC this friday,and im so proud of him.I have seen him go through so muchin his life.I have seen him give up on life and quit school,drink him self in to nuthing and miss so much out of life.Im glad he is makeing it better,good for him i know he can do it and he will.


good night sweet dreams to all

:)

well i see im not the only one having a realy bad week so far.agan i wish i could help my friends but i can't.today i can't even help my self.I'm at my wits end with life mine mostly.right now i just wan't to go to sleep and not wake up,to dream forever,how wonderfull that would be.i think i sig would help but i can't,I don't want to disapoint dan and my friend's.bad night had verry little sleep so i think i will go to bed now and try to sleep.
love
lucille

so i was bord today soi changed my LJ and started my kids dress for the ren fair.last noght i had to go to the hospital things are getting bad with my female parts agan.go see my gino thersaday to see if i have to have surgary agan,yay fuck, fuck, fuck!I so need a break from all this shit,think about the good things stop thinging about the bad.well how the hell can i do that when all i see is bad.Now i can't get in touch with the morage man and the other kid keeps coming over to look at the house and talk about what he wants to do with it if he gets it.I'm trying to be nice to him but i want to ring his neck fuck, fuck, fuck!

well this is all fun,this is why i hate wrighting in this thing,it's never good.OH on a good note it has ben a week no smokes but i soooooooo want just one drag,just one please :).we all did alot of work on the yard this weekend it looks so good.My mom's friend keeps bringing me plants,some i still need to put in the ground but not shure where.plus if i don't get the house then im taking them with me.not going to leave a dam thng for them,exsept the crap the last woman left.they can claen that up im not wasting my time.Is that wrong of me ,am i just being a bitch maby i am,agan fuck, fuck, fuck!

ok im going to go to bed now would love to stay and bitch about my life but you all have problems to sooooo good night and lots of love to you all

lucy

ok my dreams ar just nuts i don't get them.The frist one there was a crack in the wall so i went in.It was a lovly tecno color world with lots of fay all around there is this old witch but she is some how young at the same time,she askes me if i want to know who i am,i tell her i know,i just don't want it.She lauhts then says do you want to know who you are,now im confused.now im looking through the trees im one of the fay then poof im back to me.I tell her im not ready for what i have to do,I don't want it find some one else,she laughts agan and i wake up.dam my timming :)

so now on to the other one just as strange and all in one day ha ha,no wonder im nuts.ok this one was like a strange starwars thing there were ewaks you know thous little furry things.somehow i can make things fly if i touch them and i think im the size of the fay agan what the helll.now im protecting some one i don't know cell phones were there realy small ones :) but i can't rember the rest just alot of running.oh well.

i realy want a sig realy realy realy do.i know its no good for me but i want one :(im sticking in there trying.and all i want to do is eat,now thats going to help my body image bbbbbblllllaaaaahhhhhh ok im out latter all

love ya all